Archie: Seriously, what the heck man

Follow up journalism

Woah! sorry! forgot to follow up.

Well, i was brought in for questioning, and the guy was real nice, and we got along real jovial-like. I offered him what information i knew, and he accepted it, and i was on my way!

ANTICLIMACTIC WHAT

Na-na-na-na-na-na-BATMAN

So,


What did everyone think of The Dark Knight?

Well, this is interesting

At my place of work, security is lax at best. For fear of my safety on the nets, I will not go into detail, but recently one of the employee's purses got stolen. This purse had many vital documents and whatnot, including children's health cards, car keys, and money.

Coincidentally, I was working that very night, and apparently punched out at around the same time the theft happened.

"Well," I thought to myself, "This sucks!"

So tomorrow, I'm being called in for interrogation and investigation about my whereabouts that night. If I send a distress call to any of you, you know where I am. At sobeys. Being waterboarded.

Summertime

Jenny moved her hand down her leg and scratched her calf. The sun shone through the side window of her room, making it's way across her bedspread. The light lit up her straight bangs, making strange rainbow flairs in her eyes. She closed them and saw red. The fan to her left whirred slowly, making the light flicker through the blades. Jenny tilted her head back and rubbed her pale neck, inhaling deeply through her nose and exhaling contentedly.

She rolled back down onto the bed, and turned her head on the pillow to look out the window. The dark, flecked sky was just visible through the leaves of her foresty backyard. The sun was warming her thin legs, so she shifted them into a more shady part of the bed. Jenny lazily draped her hand around a dripping glass of lemonade. She slowly moved it to her lips, and drank in long, slow swallows.

With an electronic blip, a message appeared on her wall-screen reminding her that she and her friends were going into Central Tube that night. Jenny sat up and stretched her legs all the way out, and spun them off the bed onto the floor. She walked over to her chest of drawers as she unbuttoned her top. She chose a new shirt for the night and walked over to her tall window as she pulled it around her head and over her chest. Jenny stared up, through the glass of the colony's domed ceiling and at the stars in the distance. Alpha Centauri shone brightly, and Jenny smiled.

"I love summertime," she whispered to herself, and waltzed out of the room.

-Lucas Thurston

Moths

If moths fly to the lights at night,
does that mean that during the day they fly at the sun?

A Few Albums I found

Recently I've been raiding my brothers old CD collection in our basement. I have found a few goodies in there, and here I am to share them with you.

1. Plea For Peace, this is a "Punk Rock Sampler Benefiting PFP"
Now this album is a compilation of many different bands, varying in nature. Most of the songs are good, and there is even a ska/punk song on the record. It contains 30 tracks so it is hard to get a good feel of the record as a whole, but here goes: This record, although odd in some parts, does possess an enticing nature about it. There are many up beat songs, and for a person like me whose mood gets affected easily by music this is a beam of sunlight in the darkness that is some dream theatre songs, and perhaps more so Death and that one song by the Decemberists. Anyways, I don’t like being depressed, SO! NEXT!

2. Letters From Chutney by the Rainbow Butt Monkeys
Now first of all, this name is a bit odd, however it gave me a certain eagerness to listen to this album, and I was presently surprised. This one is a metalistic album by a bunch of Canadian Kids from the Burlington area, it does have some good tunes and you may even enjoy it more if you want a blast from the past. Wouldn’t you know it that these guys that grew up to become Finger Eleven, well with a drummer change I believe. ENOUGH SAID.

3. Last Splash by The Breeders
These guys, I find are similar to the New Pornographers, but with a less modern sound and a more Rockish feel. They lack that something special, an edge perhaps, but all in all the record is okay, there are insightful lyrics and a couple catchy tunes. NEXT!

4. Kaleidoscope by DJ Food
Okay I’m just going to say it, this sucks, the rhythms are too…. Well fucked up at times. There are a couple of tolerable songs on this CD, but barely. Their sound has been described as Jazz/Hip hop, or even Dance/Electronica. Once more this CD…. Well it sucks! So no more, NEXT!

5. Feeling Strangely Fine by Semisonic.
These guys are Nirvana meets Presidents of the United States meets some soft rock group. I actually like this album contrary to the soft rockness, they actually have some good grooves. But this record is no reason to jump for joy, or whatever it is that people do when they hear good music, perhaps dance. Anyways I think that that sums this album up effectively. NEXT

6. When I was Born For The Seventh Time by Cornershop
These guys that formed this band are from the UK, but have roots in India, and their music reflects this. It has been described as a mix of several genres: British indie rock, dance/Electronica, and of course the Indian music. This is a mediocre record and doesn’t demand much attention, it doesn’t have any….. flavour really, well in some songs anyways. I mean I almost fell asleep while listening to it… and now I’m really tired, so this is all the recordz that I will talk about for now…….

In conclusion I long for the days when people would go to the record store and listen to tunes and hang out, but I mean who has the cash to buy records these days….. TORRENT DOWNLOADING FTW!!!!!!
Remember to share your music, because good music can make the world go round….Like a Dick!

Humour 101

"America is the greatest, best country that God gave to the face of this earth" - Sean Hannity

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh man! This guy is funny!

Wait, what? Oh, he's...he's what? Being serious?

Oh geez.


Whoops...

The Man Who Never Spoke (A Short Story)

The heel of his boot made a loud crunching noise in the soft haze of midday. Tiny orange pebbles scattered from beneath the leather boot, and made small trails of dust as they danced off into the heat. He inhaled quickly through his nostrils. The air was so thick you could wrap yourself in it.
The Man scratched at his leg and squinted into the swirly horizon; a swaying brown spot, about a mile off, told him that he was close. His dry tongue rolled over the thin, cracked lips that sat squarely in his sharp face. The Man continued steadily towards his goal.


"Fitzgerald!"
"Yeah, Dan?"
"F-Fitzgerald!"
"Yeah, Dan, I'm here. What can I do ya for?"
"Another shot of whiskey, Fitzy!"
"I think yer drunk enough, Dan."
"Wha...but I'm yer best customer!"
"That may be true Dan, but every man's got a limit."
"Bah! Yer just yellah, that's all."
"I ain't yellah. Now get a move on before I gotta go over there and make ya move!"
Dan stumbled out of the saloon, informing those around him that he would never spend his hard earned cash at a dive like this, as he usually did ever Friday. On his way across the dusty road to his apartment, he passed out in the street.
Dan woke up a couple minutes later, with a swift smack in the face. The Man was kneeling over top of him with a concerned look in his eye.
"Y-your back?" asked Dan.
The Man nodded.
"Are y-you here f-for..." stuttered Dan.
The Man nodded again.
"And you've come to get Sally?"
The Man nodded a third time.
"And your going to..."
The Man stood up with Dan and dragged him to an alley. He mimed out to Dan that he needed water.
"Water? Yeah, I got water back at my place!"
The two of them walked down the shady side of main street and entered the door to Dan's apartment. A short climb of the stairs led them to Dan's dark apartment.
"I'll be right back with that water," called Dan as he crossed the filthy carpet to a door that probably led to a kitchen.
The Man's eyes traveled around the room. He picked out every detail, the way the light through the blinds made thin beams of dust, how the ceiling fan made the slightest of a wooshing noise, as it slowly spun its endless path.
"Here ya go!"
The Man drank greedily, little rivulets of water rolled down his stubbly chin and snaked into his open shirt. Dan eyed the shining revolver hanging at the Man's side. His eyes darted from the gun to the Man's face.
"Whatcha starin' at Dan?" asked The Man.
"Woah, nothin', I, uh, I didn't think you talked much," stammered Dan.
"I don't, only when it's necessary."
"I meant nothin' by it, I was just s'prised by what you got on yer belt."
"That is also only used when necessary." replied the Man as he set the glass down on a dusty table.
"So tell me Dan, where is Joe?"
"I thought you talked only when necessary."
The Man's hand snaked up to the wooden, carved handle of his revolver.
"Woah, hey, he's up at the big ol' house down the road there." yelped Dan.
"And Sally?"
"...I'm sorry, but...she's there too."
"It doesn't matter, Dan," said the Man, as he turned out of the room and started down the stairs. "Nothing matters." The Man slammed the door behind him, leaving Dan alone in the hazy appartment.
"Well, he's back alright, and this town's got hell to pay." muttered Dan. "Hell to pay for what Joe's done."


"Woman! WOMAN!" screamed the chef.
"Yes, yes, sorry I'm here," said Sally, rushing into the kitchen.
"Look at this recipe."
"Okay."
"Mmmmhmm."
"What?" asked Sally.
"Look!"
"I am!"
"Make it," breathed the chef, with a flourish of his hands. Striking a strange pose that was meant to be impressive, but with sheer size of the chef, made it look more grotesque than awe-inspiring. The chef breathed slowly through his nose, making strange rushing noise as the air flitted through the hairs in his nostrils.
"I-I can't!"
"And why not?"
"I..."
"TELL ME!"
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE CHEESES MEAN!" screamed Sally, as she ran from the kitchen.
Sally had been living in the mansion with Joe for three years now. Ever since the Man left, Sally had never been the same. Joe convinced the townspeople that she needed an older man to guide her from her past, and he was the best to do it. The mansion was not a home for Sally, it was a prison.
Sally ran up to her room and thrust herself upon her bed. Tears streamed down her face, tears of longing for her love, of being trapped, of the confusion of complicated cheeses.
"Sally, m'dear. Are you alright?" asked Joe, peering around from the side of her door.
"No I am not fucking okay! You sick bastard!" she screamed back.
"I can see that the new chef is bothering you. I shall send him back to Colorado."
"It's not the chef, Joe! It's you." Sally threw her bed-side lamp at the doorway, and it smashed on the wall.
"In time, you will learn to love me."
"Go die, Joe."
"See you at dinner."


The Man stood outside of the towering mansion, nestled in a rocky outcrop from the mountains. The whole town was in shadow from the mountain range. The setting sun over the peaks light up the Man's face under his hat. He sucked in his breath and ran up the steps, kicked down the door and screamed:
"Joe! I'm back!"
A gunshot fired through the wide hallway and a vase beside the Man exploded. He ran and dove behind a table, flipped it over. Three more shots whizzed by the table and knocked some paintings off the wall.
"I thought you stopped talking!" called a familiar voice from upstairs, it sounded like velvet, but something seemed awry in it, something menacing.
"I did!" yelled the man. He popped up for a second and fired twice at the spot where he thought Joe was.
"I also thought you stopped breathing!" shouted Joe, running down the the stairs firing the remaining two at the Man. One bullet shot off the Man's hat, showing his scruffy brown hair matted on his scalp.
"Not yet," said the Man. He ran towards Joe, firing his revolver, the last three shots lodging themselves in the wall on either side of Joe. The two men met with fists flying.
Punches flailing, Joe gets one in the jaw, the Man gets one in the kidney. Joe kicked the Man in the stomach, sending him back into the overturned table. Breathing heavily, Joe pulled a second gun from his belt and fired once at the Man's chest.
Blood welled up around the small hole in the Man's white shirt. Sweat began to pour steadily down his forehead. Joe just stood there laughing.
"You came all this way, and I kill you before you even get to see Sally. It's beautiful, it's like something out of a cheesy story, my god!" Joe mused. The Man just started to smile, as he stood up. Joe was still reveling the beauty of his situation when the Man pulled his second revolver from his boot. Joe stopped, and stared at the Man.
"How...but...I shot you!" stammered Joe.
The Man only said one word: "Winged" and put a bullet into Joe's skull.
"Edward!"
Sally ran down the stairs with open arms.
"Edward, my god, I thought you were dead."
"Sausage legs!" yelled the Man.
"I haven't heard that nickname in years, Edward." cried Sally, embracing the Man and putting her head against his shoulder.
"Sally I'd love to have this reunion but we need to get moving," replied the Man. "Now we need to get moving, Joe's men will probably guess what happened with these gunshots. Gather supplies and I'll get some horses ready, and..."
But Sally just smiled, one of those smiles that tells you that everything's going to be alright.

-Lucas Thurston

Dear Readers

As you may know, there have been a complete absence of posts lately. Sure, Tyler's Greased Lightning video was good, but was it good to watch for the past 6 days? Maybe. But I'm just here to say there will be great new content after school is over, because it is exam time right now. "Oh no!" you may go. "THATS TOO LONG!!"

WELL NONE OF YOU WILL SAY THAT CAUSE NONE OF YOU READ THIS!!!! HAHAHA

But yeah. Look forward to new short story videos, lip dubs, content, and etc!!! ICe creAM1